I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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