I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
