I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
