It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
