I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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