hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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