Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
