Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
