When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
