I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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