I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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