So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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