On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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