I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
