I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
