Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
