I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
