she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
