Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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