I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
