one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
