I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
