i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
