I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
