My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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