chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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