I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
