you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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