I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
