half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
