this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
