I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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