My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
