I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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