i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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