Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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