if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize