You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
