youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
