Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
