JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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