seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
