The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
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Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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