my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
