I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
