just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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