in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
