Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
