mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You're so nebulous sometimes
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
