I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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