Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
