I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
