i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
