my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
