I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
