My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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